Know Your Enemy
Just the other day I, Miss B, faced a catastrophic problem: I was faced with a child asking me the question “Miss B, you just swore, does that mean that the school has now changed its mind about bad words and I can now say all the ones that my dad says when his football team do really shit?” Obviously I panicked: the mere mention of the S word in a modern school corridor – designed especially to filter all bad language directly to the Headmaster’s office by not only the corridors but the air vents and any available pipes – is enough to make any teacher see job advertisements in their head and a CV that reads DISMISSED FROM LAST JOB FOR UNKNOWN BUT CLEARLY MALEVOLENT REASON. “No, actually Jeff it does not,” I replied, “the S word is still banned. And you didn’t hear me say that to Mr French…perhaps you should cut down your sugar intake.” And Jeff looks confused, as ever. “But I swear I just heard you call Lucy Baker a little—“ “No!” I say, clutching at straws which…er…have gnashing teeth and nip at my fingers when I try and grab the little sods, “Of course not!” Even though I obviously did, and she is, actually. Then I waited. Waited to be believed by a child who knew better. And eventually he walked off. That afternoon I was called in to see the (ancient, 1,000 year old) Headmaster…and I spent a good twenty-five minutes staring at his awful used laptop which he is only capable of using one annoying finger to type on. So, you see, it can be a very scary thing being in charge of very young and susceptible children, you just never know what they will pick up and how, more importantly they will interpret it. In my case Lucy Baker interpreted it using her powers of evil and started crying – on purpose I am sure…just to get me – but I suppose it’s my own stupid fault for speaking like that to Mr French…
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